Splitting Thoughts Of An Insomniac Bipolar

A Poem

2010-06-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

I was rummaging through my docs when I found this poem. I think I was supposed to pass this or something years ago, but I never did. Nevertheless, I still think I made it good. This just goes to prove how emotional I was during my pre-debut days. :))

MARIA

Charlene Erica Balaan

Your vague gaze.

Why do you wander

the broken ocean?

Regrets filled you.

You’re lost

In unmeasured depth

of the strangling memories.

You’ve been cut.

Your smile paces about.

Gypsy girl,

Who do you sing for?

The nightingale wept.

The song echoed through.

Reverberating

Fog will blur your vision

But you will

See the rain

See the sun

Again.

The cracked Earth

will still

yield

of pain.

But it can never take

your heaven away.

When the wind dries,

tears of rainbow light

will fall.

Never leave

your light behind.

Wait for love to

take flight.

MARIA

Happiness isn’t far.

Open your clenched palm

Let the grains fall at

Your feet.

Make a wish.

Feel love.

Abandon hate.

Forgive yourself

For all your mistakes.

Don’t let your footprints

Leave only heartache.

*I think this was inspired by my equally emotional (back then) bestfriend, Chetts. :)) Her first name is MARIE. So yeah. =)))

You

2010-06-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

What happened?

I'm scared of you right now. Whenever I think of what has happened, I get even more confused and sad. It's like we don't even know you now.

I'm sorry.

Personality Test

2010-06-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

Pretty much accurate. Try it HERE.

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Changing

2010-06-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

Something's changed.

Sometime over the summer, the ties that bind us has slowly been severed. And no matter how much we try to ignore the large pink elephant in the room, I think the damage has finally surfaced. I wanted to badly to ignore this..uncertainty. Too much has happened. We lost so much. I knew that when they finally decided to leave, we'd never find our way back.

And now I'm scared. You have always been the best and most sturdy people in my life, and now I feel as if we're letting what we have slip away. I am trying. I hope you haven't given up.

I still have a sliver of hope that maybe one day, we'd be six again. But right now, I don't think there'd be a remedy for the broken pieces. Right now I fear that there is really no right thing to do. If we walk away from them and let them go, there'd always be that hollow part in us. If we chase them and beg them to come back, we might be making things worst for them. It's hard when the choices we weigh would never make things better anyway.

Before things get away, I really really want us to talk this through. I miss US. We have to stop stalling and at least try fixing this. We barely even see each other anymore. I love you guys. And it really does hurt now that we've stopped reminding ourselves that. Maybe we've decided to shelter ourselves this time after going through so much pain when one member left? Maybe we've decided that it would be better if we stop caring too much because we still hurt in the end nevertheless? I don't know.

Still, I want to remind you that I LOVE YOU. And I miss you people. Whenever I drop by the chatroom and no one else is present, I feel that hollow part in me grow a little. Perhaps everything that happened over the summer made me a bit paranoid about our friendship and now I needed to be reassured every once and a while. I'm scared for us. I don't want my fears to swallow me up, but I can't help it. Dani and Jho left for their personal reasons. And I know that we still want them back. We still love then. I want to desperately believe that we'll make it through even when there are only four of us left. I want us to try again. :(

If you'd ask me if I want anything right now, I'd probably want us to START OVER. I feel like we've been stuck in that certain night when everything else failed. We're stuck, I feel it.

I love you.

OBSESSED

2010-06-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

I am obsessed with Kristen Stewart. And her farking legs.

I can't explain it. I just love her so friggin much. I think it has something to do with her guts and her nonchalance when it comes to voicing out what she thinks. I love it when she flips off the paparazzo. =)) And gawd, what I wouldn't give to get her legs. And her luminescent skin. And her perfect greenish-blue eyes. And her adorable klutz-tendencies.

Yep. One smitten fan right here.

And of course, the MTV Movie Awards Best Kiss acceptance speech...

RobSten is OTP, yes.

This is so much healthier than Kpop. :)

I want her babiiies. So maybe Rob is eventually gonna have them...but shit! Babies with blondish-brown hair, glowing skin, gorgeous eyes, and superior hollywood genes... *sigh*

On a roll

2010-05-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

“

People always say the greatest love story in the world is Romeo and Juliet. I don’t know. At fourteen, at seventeen, I remember, it takes over your whole life.” Alice was worked up now, her face flushed and alive, her hands cutting through the night-blooming air. “You think about nobody, nothing else, you don’t eat or sleep, you just think about this … it’s overwhelming. I know, I remember. But is it love? Like how you have cheap brandy when you’re young and you think it’s marvelous, just so elegant, and you don’t know, you don’t know anything … because, you’ve never tasted anything better. You’re fourteen.”

It was no time for lying. “I think it’s love”

“You do?”

“I think maybe it’s the only true love.”

She was about to say something, and stopped herself. I’d surprised her, I suppose. “How sad if you’re right,” she said, closing her eyes for a moment. “Because we never end up with them. How sad and stupid if that’s how it works.”

”
Andrew Sean Greer (The Confessions of Max Tivoli)

A Sign

2010-05-25T11:57:00.001-07:00

THIS

2010-05-25T11:40:00.001-07:00

“You didn’t love her. You just didn’t want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was just good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn’t love her. Because you don’t destroy people you love.”
Grey’s Anatomy

----
Chatting with his friends. I don't know what the right thing to say is. I just don't.

MAY 25

2010-05-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

My day ended great.

I know. I know. We've been through this road before. I shouldn't get my hopes up.

But still...

That part of may heart--that hallow part which he still holds--couldn't help but light up at the sliver of hope that tonight presented.

But I know better now. I'll stop over-thinking things and just let things happen as they may.

Families

2010-05-17T11:24:00.000-07:00

So, I figured how we exactly get to have two families in our lifetime--the blood-related ones whom we have no choice about and whom we, most often like to burn alive, and the people whom we choose to let in our lives for whatever reason, or as simply put, FRIENDS. Lucky for me, I have both. And despite my constant ramblings and rants about them--especially regarding the first type mentioned--I love them.

Speaking of burning relatives alive...

Today wasn't actually what I would consider a 'good' day. First off, I had to wake up VERY EARLY for a 6 am flight to Cagayan. I was forced to go by my ever loving granma and my equally loving father, because, according to them I rarely get to see family from the province. I know this will sound bad, but I don't have any plans of 'getting to know' these relatives. They barely even know that my father already has 2 daughters. My mom's relatives, I could handle just fine. But my dad's distant relatives...Uhh...Don't even get me started.

The flight was continuously delayed for some reason--the usual stuff. And we arrived at around 8am. I was, by then, reasonably grouchy due to my lack of sleep and seriously hungry. I was pestering my dad to get us breakfast the moment the plane landed, but, of course, I failed to foresee the welcoming committee that my grandma's sister had managed to haul. Thus, began my almost 9 hours of laborious visit to the Evangelista farm at Cagayan.

I didn't know anyone. And nobody dared speak to me. Well, besides the usual curtsies and stuff. I was, simply put, the Manilena Mute. Of course, it didn't help that they speak in their native language--Ilocano, I think? I barely understood a thing.

The place was picturesque. Something that would be nice to see in pictures. BUT, I tell you, although it's nice to look at, I don't think I could bear living there. I don't know if it's just me, but the temperature there is waaaaay hotter. They (well, Papa and Grandma) insisted that I help by doing some farm chores. Don't judge me just yet, okay. I do well at home chores, but FARM WORK? Uhm...No, thank you. Call me whatever you wanna call me. Farm work is a no-no for me.

And well, I got to see some more family hysteria from this side of the family. There was a bit of a commotion between some of my grandma's sisters. And well, family drama. You get the picture. It was a mess. And I though my mom's family is crazy! Thank God it was resolved. Believe me, it wasn't even passed lunch time when THAT happened.

I was, as I predicted, out of place. But what the heck. I was never really the rural-farm-girl-type to begin with. I am the city girl who can't live without internet and electricity. And fast food. And malls. And movies. And good music.

So when it was time to go, I was more than happy to help carry the sacks of rice that they gave us. It was embarrassing at the airport, though. What was funny is that even my Granda breathed a sigh of relief when the plane took off. Apparently, as much as she loves her equally crazy relatives--her relatives who, according to her and according to what I've observed, are very much like her--she can't stand them too.

Funny how we could love some people, and still can't stand to be with them. Then again, I realized how FAMILY is like that. No matter how you rant over how they irritate you or infuriate you, you love them. And just cause you don't want to be with them, it doesn't mean that your love for them is any less.

---

As for the permanent fix of my night life, SF's still running my brain cells in havoc. :) I was the first to be online tonight. And I had to wait for almost 2 hours for them to show up. And, well, YU did. And he stayed for just about 45secs--just enough to say goodnight. =)) CHETTS was next. WE had our usual NONSENSE TALK.

JHO finally logged on at around 1:30-ish. She was from a sem-ender party. And apparently, she was accompanied home by a 5th-year cutie. At least some of us are doing great in that department. I'm glad to see Jho a wee bit brighter. I don't know how we'd be able to help her, but hopefully, with our unyielding presence and support, we'd all make it through. Jawe, unfortunately, is sleeping somewhere. Or studying. We have no friggin idea. He could be stuck inside a rat hole somewhere. Haha.

As for Dani...well, we still miss her. And I hope she is fine. I don't understand so many things about what happened to us, but I would like to believe that she shares the same situation as my grandma--"We could love people and still don't wanna be with them."

I'm glad to have my best friends with me. It doesn't matter how we all came together or how our lives became intertwined. What matters is what we have for each other NOW. They keep me sane, well, at least in my perspective of the word. And they keep me in line. Maybe things aren't perfect between us all, but still, the bond remains. They are my families, afterall.

PINAS

2010-05-12T01:02:00.000-07:00

I watched ANC for 5 hours straight last night...till around 2 in the morning.

Indeed, the automated election's promise of a fast poll count is pretty evident with the results as of last night. I gotta commend the COMELEC for this one. There were many criticisms and spitballs thrown at them days before the election, and all they did was shrug them off. I had my doubts too, I admit. Living in a country where there is rampant corruption and where politicians do nothing but disappoint the people who'd voted for them, faith in the political system isn't exactly a popular notion. But seeing as how the elections this year has been, so far, relatively peaceful compared to the previous ones, I'm now questioning whether all this crap in our system is, for a large part, also caused by the extreme negativity of our people. Still, though, we also need to have credible people in office to be able to develop a level of confidence in our system. It goes both ways, I think.

About the results...

I shudder as the image of the poll-count last night comes back to me. Oh Pinas, looks like were threading dangerous grounds yet again. When will we ever learn?

Let us just offer our country prayers. Let's all hope that we not fall into the vicious cycle of dirty politics. And, most importantly, let's work for this to work. I still believe in the power of the youth. We just have to hold on and continue fighting.

Iron Man 2

2010-05-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

was awesome.

I can't even explain JHGAJHNALAUAFHJAAKAKJAHFAALA. Robert Downey Jr. was so effing funny! I love him with Gwyneth. And Scarlett kicked some serious ass. :)) The film was action-packed. I had to hold up my bathroom break until the movie ended!

Kudos also for the amazing effects! My grandma was so stunned that she was actually unusually quiet throughout the film!

NUFF SAID.

2010 = YEAR OF GREAT MOVIES.

Leaving

2010-05-11T23:53:00.000-07:00

The Kpop fandom has been too stressful for me to handle. I may still adore the artists, but the rabid fandom is scaring me already. People on the internet bash each other like it's World War 3. These scandals are driving a wedge between people. It used to be really tolerable. But now...No. I'm sick of it. So there, I'm officially leaving behind the Kpop fandom. I've unfollowed ALL Kpop related tumblogs and I've stopped checking out certain sites and forums for updates.

The seven years I've spent over Kpop has been really amazing. And though it has been fun following the careers of these stars, it has also severely affected my life. It was worth it for a while, but when it has already consumed so much of my life, I realized that I've been sucked to this addiction far more than I'd ever imagined. Kpop became like a drug to me. I found it hard to focus on the more important things. I've slacked on my studies. I lost sleep. Heck, I can't believe I even spent so much through the years.

And you only get the strength to finally let it go when you see pieces of your life shattered all because you were once so consumed by the fandom. Scary, yes. But it's true. I've been a victim of my own love for Kpop.

As the famous saying goes, too much of something could kill you.

I'm fixing up my life, and I'm leaving the things that has been holding me back.

Goodbye, Kpop Fandom! We had a really long and nice journey together.

CHERRY BOMB

2010-05-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

I think I fell in love with The Runaways (band) even more.. I just saw the 2010 film, and gawd DAKOTA FANNING AND KRISTEN STEWART nailed Cherie Currie and Joan Jett!

For those of you who have no idea what the film is about, it's a musical biopic of the first all-girl rock group during the 70's, THE RUNAWAYS. Backing on Joan Jett's superb electric guitar skills and Cherie Currie's all-sex vocals, they formed a 5-member group with the help of the controlling and abusive Kim Fowley.

This is so far one of the best films I've seen this year. The acting was superb--Stewart seriously blew me away. She BECAME Joan Jett. Dakota's performance is shocking. The cinematography was also good. And despite all the rock n roll goodies in the film, you'll still feel the poignancy of the struggles that the band had to go through.

Fun fact: Dakota fanning was 15 when they started shooting for The Runaways--the exact same age of Cherie Curie when she joined the band in the 70's. Plus, Joan Jett was present during the filming cause she adores Kristen too much.

Over-all, I'd give this a 9.5.

And I think I'm starting to develop a huge lesbocrush over KStew's bad*ass fierceness.

I've been replaying their compilation for two days straight now. Looks like I've got a new addiction brewing.

Too bad the film wasn't released here in the Philippines. o__O I got mine from an online friend. But don't hate on me. I'm ordering it on Amazon. Anyway, if ever you get a hold of a copy, TAKE IT. The film's awesome--SEX, DRUGS, ROCK N ROLL GALORE. Pure 70's fun.

KRISTEN JETT, UUUUUUUNF!

SF

2010-05-05T09:10:00.001-07:00

I LOVE YOU AND I MISS ALL 5 OF YOU.

FIVE.

FOREVER.

Saw this and thought of you.

2010-05-05T09:03:00.001-07:00

2743.) WE RARELY MEET LIKE WE USED TO. YOU’VE CHANGED A LITTLE. YOU’RE BECOMING MORE SELFISH. MORE ARROGANT. I DON’T FAVOUR IT. I MISS YOU SO MUCH. BUT IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU DON’T GET IT. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND IT. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME. I WANT SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST TO MEET YOU. YOU DON’T GIVE ME AFFECTION LIKE YOU USED TO. YOU ARE NOT AS GENTLE AS YOU USED TO BE. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I WANTED TO ASK YOU BUT I’M AFRAID. I’M AFRAID YOU WILL REALIZE THAT I’M HURT AND YOU’LL MOCK YOURSELF. I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU MOCK YOURSELF. WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED TO US?

(via blogconfession)

What happened? To you? To us? How did we end up like this?

/sorry if my blog is turning into this huge emo bubble.

NO

2010-05-05T01:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's better for us to just stop trying so hard for everyone else, so you'd see those who wouldn't give a fuck and those who'd still stay no matter what.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

And sometimes your best is never gonna be good enough. And you just have to be okay with that.

FREAKY RESULTS.

2010-05-03T09:54:00.000-07:00

I usually don't believe this kind of online exam..but this one is pretty accurate. WTF. Got this from DORTS's blog. xD

Your Existing Situation

Needs excitement and constant stimulation. Willingly participates in activities that are thrilling and offer adventure.

Your Stress Sources

"Feels empty and isolated from others and wishes to overcome this feeling. Believes life has more to offer her than what she was experienced thus far, and doesn't want to miss out on anything. she purses all her goals and dreams, fearful that any missed opportunity will cause her to miss out on even more. Quickly becomes an expert in any field she pursues and can sometimes come off as overbearing and nosy."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

"Finds satisfaction in sexual activity, but is emotionally detached which prevents her from becoming too involved."

"Feels she is not receiving her fair share and is unable to rely on anyone for support or sympathy. she keeps her emotions bottled up, leaving her quick to take offense to small things. she tries to make the best of her situation."

Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. her self-centered attitude can cause her to be easily offended.

"He is able to find satisfaction through sexual activity, but can be restless and emotionally distant so she never really gets too involved with others."

Your Desired Objective

"Has a strong desire to contribute and influence others, but it can make her restless. she is driven by her desires and hopes. Enjoys a wide range of activities, but she may spread herself to thin taking on too much."

Your Actual Problem

"Fears she will be held back from achieving things she really wants, leading her to search endlessly for satisfaction and become involved in activities which are pointless."

Your Actual Problem #2

"Feeling held back and restricted from moving forward, looking for a solution that will give her more freedom and less obstacles."

from COLORQUIZ

D'AWW

2010-05-02T06:02:00.000-07:00

Today, me and my best friend were at the beach. We saw two old women walking along holding eachother’s hands, laughing, joking and talking about “that day” when they were younger. They came to a set of stairs and helped each other the whole way down every single step. Their undying friendship and love GMH. :)

cr. lovegivesmehope @ tumblr

FOR MARIE CARISSA JOSE VALENZUELA, JOANNE AGUILAR VALEBIA, DANIELA BUNAO, GERARDFORD RYAN S YU, JAN WAYNE SANTIANO.

Pupusta ako, kung tayo yan...paunahan ng may maitutulak pababa ng hagdan. xD

RELEVANT

2010-05-02T05:56:00.000-07:00

On Jejemons

2010-05-02T05:50:00.001-07:00

Nuff said.

STUFF

2010-05-02T05:46:00.000-07:00

10 Interesting Facts About Gender Psychology:

1. Men change their minds two to three times more often than women. Most women take longer to make a decision than men do, but once they make a decision they are more likely to stick to it.

2. Based on the total number of people tested since IQ tests were devised, women have a slightly higher average IQ than men

3. Women are better than men at remembering faces, especially of females.

4. Men are more likely to help than women!

5. Women are more pessimistic when predicting their work results.

6. Most women tend to believe that they are only good at certain tasks, but not capable of being good at everything.

7. Women are more fearful and anxious than men.

8. Women are twice more talkative than men! It has been estimated that on average, men speak 12,500 words and women speak about 25,500 words in a day.

9. Men, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.

10. The female brain is much more adept at reading subtle facial and verbal emotional expressions. Some woman say that only when men see actual tears they realize that something is wrong. This is why women have to cry four times more than men do, to signal distress.

cr. themorninglight @ tumblr

COOL. I've always been fascinated with small things like these. xD Psychology ROCKS!--as well as my best friend who is taking this course up. I found this one on tumblr a while ago. We just got home from our Antipolo trip and I was kinda hoping to see SF online at ctango. Unfortunately...they're not. So I'm alone in the chatroom again. xD Talk about bad timing.

Anyhoo, I got home from Jen Liit's party at around 2am, and I had to wake up at 4am cause of the Antipolo Trip. Grandma wanted to catch the 6am mass. o__O I do admit that I am not a religious person. I am what you'd call a religious minimalist. And I often criticize everything that the church does. Nevertheless, I was compelled by my parents to come. So..I spent the better part of the mass snickering at hypocrite "Christians" who go to mass but don't even listen to a word the priest is preaching. I mean, if you consider yourself as a Christian, you might as well act like one. More than half of the people I observed inside the colossal church were, sadly, pretentious b*stards. I know, it's none of my concern. But...at least I openly admit my religious stands--or my lack of them.

Don't get me wrong. I do believe that GOD exist. I just don't believe everything that the Church people say. My opinion may have holes in it, but I'm still undecided about lots of things in life.

But oh well. I may be wrong.

----

edit:

According to my smart bestfriend, WOMEN TALK MORE THAN MEN CAUSE WE FEEL THE NEED TO REPEAT EVERYTHING WE SAY...FOR MEN RARELY DO LISTEN. xD

LANGUAGE SHIZZ

2010-04-30T23:16:00.000-07:00

MANDARIN 4, WE MEET AGAIN.

Why, oh why, won't you leave me alone?! I try my best to pass you time and again...but we're just not compatible.

I now have 4 new workbooks, and a new grammar guide. They make no difference. I still suck at Mandarin. Lola Matsi thinks I should just take cooking lessons. T__T

Whew. Off to prepare for Jen Liit's party.

Sleep

2010-04-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

Oh haaaai.

3am.

I surrender! Finished ep18 of Vampire Diaries and the last ep of Skins. 4 hours of my life well lived.

JAWE, YOU ARE THE LAST MAN STANDING...AGAIN. xD

Chetts and Papa Yu, enjoy tomorrow's event! <3

Grandma Lovin' && Punk Rock Love

2010-04-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

My grandma is this harebrained, ecstatic, eccentric, chatter-mouth, 67-year old lady who never seems to run out of things to say and memories to share. She likes talking to random strangers on the plane, in the supermarket, in malls...well, you get the idea. And despite the few occasions when she manages to embarrass us with her innocent antics in public, I love her. Love her to death.

I already told you how I've been friggin nocturnal these days, and thankfully, she is too. So now I spend my early mornings talking to her. And she tells the most fascinating stories about EVERYTHING! And her love for us, her grandchildren, is AMAZING. She's the best grandma in the world. I never really had the chance to get closer to my Mom's mom cause she RARELY comes home to the Ph. At least my Lola Matsi sees to it that she sees us every 2 years or so. And she calls.. EVERY WEEK. And she actually pays for my college education cause I'm her favorite granddaughter. xD

She's really fond of churches. They've been to 5 different churches this week, and she seems happy. And she likes eating out. I like having her here cause my mom starts acting a wee bit nicer too. Anyway, I promised her that I'd buy her a resort someday. One of the reasons why I work hard is her never yielding encouragement and support. I don't think I could ever find a grandmother as loving as her. She always tells us how she'd rather spend everything she has for the family just so we'd never experience hunger EVER. And it's hard not to love her. She's just THAT endearing.

While I'm typing this, she suddenly tells me how she had given my cousin Mark's best friend my picture and my E-mail address before she left for the Ph. And now she's droning on telling me how nice and polite the guy is. Wow. Matchmaker Grandma.

---

I've discovered my new favorite band yesterday. THE PRETTY RECKLESS! With none other than Gossip Girl's TAYLOR MOMSTEN as their lead vocalist. So maybe I've been in love with hard punk rock for years now, and that I find Iron Maiden, The Germs, and Quandry AWESOMETASTIC. And I super loved The Runaways--I had a desperate girlcrush on Cherie Currie for quite some time two years ago. It was inevitable. When I heard The Pretty Reckless for the first time, I was riveted and owned. I am in love.

Yes, Taylor Momsten scares me a bit. She's sixteen and she's a friggin actress/supermodel/brand endorser/label owner/singer. I'm 18...and a slug. What happened to my life? Anyway, TayMom's fashion is exquisite, yes. But I still think she's too young for all the trash look. And while I may be so in love with her band's music, the fact that she's singing about Zombies, lusty love, dying, bitching so badass...AT SIXTEEN...O__O Other than her age, I don't have any more problems about her. I like her better than Miley Cyrus--the rocker wannabe. Taylor Momsten's hard rocking spells KICK-ASS in my book.

I am also proud to say that I haven't listened to anything Kpop-related for two weeks now. And my Recently Added playlist is filled with english songs. My Kpop-drawer is nicely shut. Moving on...

I'm starting to REALLY like Meg and Dia's songs better. When I first listened to them..I didn't see anything special. But now I figured that they're the type of band that needs to be listened to twice before you get the hang of them. Their song "Fighting for Nothing" is my new life theme. <3

I miss my SF. I've been cutting on my internet usage so I haven't been able to join the confes these days. But I friggin MISS them to death. Wonder when we'll get to bug out again. Maybe watch a movie together..?

Stand By You

2010-04-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

Oh, why you look so sad?
The tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't, be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen a dark side too

When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
I won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So, if you're mad get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well, I'm a lot like you

When you're standin' at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'Cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
I won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You're feelin' all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
I won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

Oh, I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you

Hard Things

2010-04-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

I am scared. Really really afraid. I've kept this for months now, but..tonight it all just poured out. I'm scared of this feeling. It seems like everyone I love slowly slips away, and there seems to be nothing I could do to help it. I have no right to demand you to stay. And I do understand why you have to go...but I'm afraid of the possibility that if we let you leave, you might never come back. It's hard to admit this, but I feel like we've lost one person already...Losing another is going to be even more heartbreaking.

But I trust you. I love you. I trust you enough to believe that you WILL come back. When you're ready, we'll be here. AS ALWAYS.

When nothing's going right, remember everything we told you. I LOVE YOU. And I want you to stay, but you can't. I know. You have to heal and fix yourself up. But knowing this doesn't make this temporary goodbye any easier. When we let people completely IN, saying goodbye is the hardest. And even though it hurts, when it's what they want, you have to let them be.

COME BACK. We will wait. We always do.

You can feel when someone you hold close to your heart is slipping away, little by little. It’s when the mere thought of losing someone can bring you to tears almost instantly. The pain you are beginning to feel can crush your entire heart. Yet everything that you try to do to solve the problems only push them further and further away from you. When the only chance of getting back to the way things were in the beginning is to hope this person realized what they may be losing.

To the other person. We still wait for you. I know it's hard, but..we're here. We want you back.

They say people leave cause they don't have any more reason to stay. I don't really believe that. Sometimes people leave cause they HAVE to. Cause if not, they'd SLIP AWAY further. They leave cause they love us enough to not want us to get involved in their inner battles. And we have to let go and just trust them they'd remember us when their battles have been won.

SF would always stay.

"I love you because I know you’re always there, there to catch me when I fall, there to listen when I need you, there when I feel alone. I love you because you understand me, you know how I feel even when I can’t say it. You know I’m not as strong as I say and still you never let me know that I’m not fooling you. I love you because you make me believe, believe that I am not worthless. Believe that I can be loved, am loved, and can love others. I love you because you know, you know I feel this way but can’t say it and still you wait, letting me take my time to come to terms with the fact that I love you. I would give my life up to be with you, and above all never hurt you, lie to you, or leave you."

Ohlala. POPCORN & Rants

2010-04-26T03:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am a Twilight Saga fan. And I absolutely adore Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's dorkiness & chemistry. I used to be one of the uber Twi-hards back when Twilight isn't the ultimate epitome of teenage pop culture yet. Things lose their magic when they slip to the mainstream. O_O Anyway, so now I am the most unupdated fan of the series. :)) Quite ironic, actually. It';s amazing how I actually got over that Twi-hard phase--makes me believe that I could also somehow SOMEDAY leave Kpop too. /random rant end

/rant 2: I don't know why Twilight fans are stereotyped as teeny-boppers with no knowledge of "true" literature. Who ever gave them the right to define what "true" literature is? I am a saga fan, but I am proud to say that I am a book dork AND reading serves as my escape. I am well-aware of "OTHER" books aside from the series, than you very much. My bookshelf is stoked pretty well. Just cause I enjoy indulging myself with Edward and Bella's love story, doesn't mean my reading list is limited to the 4 books of the series, and that I spend much of my time squealing and fantasizing over Sparkling vampires and hunky werewolves. Stupid, judgmental, douche bags.

Sorry about that. I am just irritated by people going around ridiculing other people who don't share the same belief as them. Wtf. If you don't like what we love, then go bugger off and stop shoving your ideas to our heads cause we don't need them. /END.

Where was I? Yeah...So I was liking posts on tumblr when I came across the OFFICIAL ECLIPSE TRAILER shown for the first time on OPRAH. And WTF, WHEN DID I EVER GET SO IGNORANT OF THE WORLD? I didn't even know there was a PREVIEW TRAILER, let alone know that it's bound to come out on JUNE! All in all, a fan fail moment.

The trailer was.. unexpectedly riveting. Seems like Slade has indeed crafted the best movie in the series yet. His forte in dark, more morbid films seems to be of great use with Eclipse. Judging from the trailer, they've managed to expand the storyline beyond the Bella-Edward-Jacob triangle. AND I AM SERIOUSLY LOVING THE ACTION-FEEL OF THE TRAILER. Gaaaad, Major Jasper Whitlock, you are one hot millitary man. June 30, please come sooner.

I've also been going around telling people I like Percy Jackson better than Clash of the Titans, even though I haven't really finished seeing the latter. I only get to see the first 5 minutes, ALWAYS. So yesterday I finally got to see it FULL. And DANG, it was...beyond amazing. They got more mythological info right in this film than Percy did. I wasn't able to leave my seat once the film got going. FIVE STARS. Clash of the Titans is def one of my most liked films this year.

---

I also saw LEGION. I didn't get it. I'd been studying in a Catholic School for years now, and I'd been brought up in a Catholic-Semi-Methodist household, so it's kinda hard for me to believe the storyline. The continuity is also very faulty, and the ending...is lacking. I had high hopes for this one, but BLEH. I was disappointed.

---

OMFG~~~~~ MY FATHER SPEAKS FLUENT SPANISH. AND MY GRANDMA..AND MY RELATIVES IN GUATEMALA, FOR ALL THAT MATTER. So now that I know, learning is so much easier what with my father there to answer my questions. :)

Mi Liama Charlene! (? lol wut)

Current LSS: Dream, Catch Me - Newton Faulkner

That's where I'm going, where are you going?
Hold it close, won't let this go
Dream catch me yeah
Dream catch me when I fall
Or else I won't come back at all

Pig Spanish

2010-04-24T11:29:00.000-07:00

Today I learned Pig Spanish--no pun intended--, thanks to JhoYuWe's help. :))

Our bug out session turned out really great despite Chetters' absence. Her parents came home from somewhere in England today so she wasn't able to come. WE HELLA miss her.

We originally planned to just stay at mcDo e.rod this afternoon, but after Jawe informed us through text how it was already his shift at their store, the three of us decided to just shuffle our little butts to Jawe's home. So yeah, we spent a couple of hours sprawled on their leather sofa whilst watching reruns of Powerpuff Girls show. And when we found that there was actually nothing productive to do, we ended up piling up on our Spanish vocab--thanks to Jawe's Span dictionary. xDD

I was supposed to enroll for Spanish at Cervantes but I didn't make it to the deadline. O__O They're friggin strict with it, so now I am back to being slug-me. Drat it. But I am proud to say that I have managed to store a few words on my mind with the help of Jawe at Jho, who are both taking Span in UP.

Here's a rundown of my miniscule Spanish vocab...

Garagista - Garbage Man
Tonta - Stupid
Gatopardo - Cheetah
Bello - Beautiful
Feo - Ugly
Natacion -Swimming
Muchacha - Servant maid
Echicera - Witch
Garanto - Responsible

Okay, I don't know if I got them all right. And I don't have any idea how they'll prove to be useful in my future interactions. LOL. But I'm proud of them. Ha! I'm gonna pester JhoWe every day for new words. :))

After a while, I decided to just let them come over and meet my grandma. AND they haven't seen How to Train Your Dragon yet, so why not go for a film? So there, we were cramped in my living room, watching Hiccup and Toothless battle it our with the mammoth dragon monster, while pigging on cookies, chocolates, and Iced tea. It was nice just being with them today. And they loved the film. :) After the film, we tried prank callig Petts out of sheer boredom and sabawness. WE EFFING MISS YOU MARIE CARISSA JOSE VALENZUELA. She tolerated our nonsense ramblings. Haha. And we prepared something for her. HAHAHA.

*yawn* I'm pretty tired already, and it's only 2am. Wow. My bodyclock must be adjusting already. Well, I'm off! <3

-Char

Nocturnal

2010-04-23T02:06:00.000-07:00

I've been sleeping at around 5am EVERY SINGLE DAY since summer started. I don't know what's wrong with me. My body clock is pretty messed up, and I can't seem to alleviate my being...nocturnal. I tried pills. I even tried drinking 5 cups of coffee. O__O

I need professional help.

Or maybe, my mind's just too preoccupied? Idk.

But my nocturnalism (?) seems to be blessing too. LOL. I've managed to finish reading in only a couple of days the pending books on my shelf that I had been meaning to finish for months now. And I've also managed to finally watch the films on my to-see list. So yeah.

Gradma's body clock still hasn't adjusted, so we're both up and awake last night. LOL. I introduced KIMERALD to her. Haha.

Anyway, Dad and I watched SHUTTER ISLAND at around 3am. It was..scary. Not because it's all bloody and gruesome, but cause it boggles the mind. I mean, REALLY. It's a psychological thriller, and it's pretty disturbing. I was in some kind of shock after the credits rolled. Holy shizz. Leo DiCaprio was a very effective actor. His performance in this film sent shivers down my spine.

So many good films this year! :) And we aren't even halfway through it.

Random Rant: ECLIPSE is gonna be awesome. I can feel it. Slade is gonna nail it.

Listening to: Hurricane - The Hush Sound

Send out the morning birds to sing of the damage
Now that the calm's returned, I know I can't manage
You're standing in my doorway, though he's asleep in my bed
The steady murmur, always in my head..

You're the finest thing that I've done, the hurricane I'll never outrun
I could wait around for the dust to still, but I don't believe that it ever will.

And since the roof fell in, I'll lean on what matters
Caught in the slightest wind, everything else unravels
You're standing in my doorway seven cities ago
The days are racing, but you come back too slow..

You're the finest thing that I've done, the hurricane I'll never outrun
I could wait around for the dust to still, but I don't believe that it ever will.

Equinox;;

2010-04-22T03:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to do anything productive in my life these days except clean my room and paint it pink. I've been meaning to fix my life for months now, but obviously my first attempts haven't been successful. So yeah, I guess my academic slide indeed shook me up, so I'm cleaning up my act. (yet again, I know. TT___TT)

I've managed to de-kpop-tize myself. a little. whatever that means. :)) I unfollowed a hell lot of kpop related sites in tumblr and I've stopped updating myself unless it's YG-related. I still am a YG Baby. I TRIED LEAVING MY KPOP BIASES. Futile, I figured. So I decided to just LIMIT my fangirling. No more ordering stuff, except maybe albums.

OTP;; daragon

Anyway, I desperately miss civilization. I haven't been involved in any human interaction for weeks now. Except my family, and SF (a bit. I still hella miss them.) I wasn't able to come to out block's swimming party yesterday. My family is hella busy these days, what with grandma's homecoming. We managed to revamp the house in two weeks. xD Everything here is squeaky clean. I feel very immaculate.

MY ROOM IS CLEAN AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 4 YEARS. xD I mean, REALLY CLEAN. I can finally have my friends up there again. And my bookshelves are out of space. I guess I'll refrain from buying books for now.

Hmn. Grandma arrived yesterday. Along with 4 ridiculously packed boxes full of pasalubong. She bought me SHOES! Lots of dollies and mary janes. Skirts! She got my size right! lol, I guess she finally realized how my mom always exaggerates about my weight. She also bought me make up from CG, maybelline, and MAC. :)) And UNDIES. Ridiculous undies from Victoria's Secret. :)))) LOTS OF THEM.

She also got Dad and Ngab a hell lot of rubber shoes, so my sister's in her happy place today. My dad has the exact J.Scott spring collection one that G-Dragon has. LOL. He was so happy when I showed him a pic of GD wearing it. He even danced The Leaders again. O__O I love my hip dad. Mom's got lots of bags so she's pretty happy too.

What's important, still, is that GRANDMA is finally heeeere. It's sad that her vacation's only for 30 days, though. O__O She wants to bring us to HK again cause her sister's teaching at HKIU atm.

I've also been watching Robert Pattinson films these days. He's a great actor, if anti-twilight people just give him a chance. I'm so glad he's accepting other film offers and he's not just letting people box him into Edward Cullen's role. I still can't get over how heartbreaking Remember Me is. O__O

Got to finish "The Confessions of Max Tivoli" by Andrew Sean Greer yesterday. I cried buckets. It was good. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button paled in comparison.

Oh lala. I still hope for a productive summer. I just hovered around the house today while everyone's ordering all these food.

I WANT TO BE WITH SF ALREADY.

v(ToT)v

CHARLIE + 1:59 + Wedding Dress

2009-11-10T00:24:00.000-08:00

FANGIRL RANTS-----

Okay, so my hubby TOP has a new baby boy! His name's CHARLIE and he's friggin beating out Gaho and Boss's cuteness level! I wonder when Tabi brought him, or was it a gift? He just celebrated his 23rd birthday! :) I really really find his character in IRIS morbidly seductive. There's just something about his killer charisma that draws everyone in! And his eyes, darn it. He could kill with his eyes.

Top, you're one smexxy beast.

YG also released a few teasers for TY's solo album. Wedding Dress, his tittle track, sounds darn amazing already! Too bad tha rumors going around that Dara's the Bride in his MV weren't true. At least, the DARAGON in me is relieved. HAHA.

Bommie's first solo performance on inkigayo last Sunday was also amazing. She looked a bit nervous though, but she did pretty well considering how YOU AND I is a really hard song to sing live. She did miss a few lines towards the end but it doesn't matter that much--she was still awesome. Thank God Yanggaeng and sexy Lee (their stylists) are making the girls wear normal clothes these days~

And darn it!

The shoes Bommie wore were YSLs! And they friggin cost $2,000+

I need to get in YG RIGHT NOW.

SRSLY, YG's budget for their clothes must be really big. They only let their artists wear branded clothes!

...and YEAY! for the FO preview!

Daradog is at it again! This time, with Queen Hyori and After School member UEE!

The fanboys of FO are rejoicing! HAHA.

And the mass FIRE dance is going to be pretty EPIC!

DARA-DAE too!

2PM also released their full album already.

And I don't know whether to be happy or sad about it. The album title is NO HELP at all. I don't get JYP, really. They're the ones who removed Jaebum in the group, and now they're hinting that they're "missing" Jae in their lyrics and even in their friggin album title?!

I'll completely understand if the other 2PM boys are the ones that suggested the title, but WHATTHEHECK. JYP EVEN TOLD THESE BOYS TO KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT DURING THE CLIMAX OF THE ISSUE.

and this album songs...

I like their lyrics BUT...these are not the type of songs that made me LOVE 2PM. NO.

TOO MUCH AUTOTUNE. IRRITATING BEATS.

But still, Changsung looks hot in the promotional pictures. :D

GDRAGON'S 'ABOY' MV

It never fails to amaze me how YG is able to come up with new and unique stuff.

I definitely love this so much!

The song and the Mv itself are pretty much GD's ode to his life as a musical icon.

The song is, no doubt, pure genius. It's amazing how GD is able to present an "in-your-face" kind of song to his haters while explaining the ups and down of being a superstar. I'm glad that the YGfamily is not afraid to be different--that they don't really care what other people say or think.

And I am REALLY glad that all the fame and the hype surrounding the YGartists isn't getting to their heads.

-will rant more later. need to rummage the fridge for food.

Random Fun with HS Buddies

2009-11-09T23:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday started really bad for me.

Chetts, Jawe, Tham, and I planned to meet at Mcdo E.rod yesterday morning. The call time was 7am because unfortunately Chetts had morning class. The early call time was fine for us especially since the rest of us don't have classes yet. lol, poor Chetts--she won't be able to attend the SJC Sportsfest opening with us.

Anyhoo, I woke up at 6:00 thanks to my sister's annoying screeching of "YO MA HA-HA-HA-HA-HEARTBREEAAAAKERRR..." I originally planned on hitching a ride with my sister and my dad, but my mom kept begging me to accompany her to the bank first. Thinking that she's already ready to go, I let my dad and sister leave without me. T__T

Bad decision. I totally forgot how much of a bitchy slug my mom could be. She is literally the SLOWEST person ever when it comes to dressing up. By the time she was finished, it was already 7:30 am, and my HS friends were already waiting for me at Mcdo.

[Disclaimer: The next paragraph is going to be really shitty because it was the shittiest part of my day.]

Mom and I took a cab. Normally, it would only take around 10 minutes for us to get to my sister's school. But because of my astounding ability to pull all BVs onto me, we got stuck in a massive traffic along Morato for almost 30 minutes. Mom and I decided to just take another cab and try a different route. We friggin circled EVERY street along Roxas(? Idk. I have no sense of direction.) and EVERY street we turned to was also in traffic. After almost 20 minutes, we finally were able to sqeeze into the traffic and find a route.

Soo..sadly, I only got to be with Chetts for less than 15 minutes because she had to shuffle(lol) to class.

[end of the shitty part]

Because Jawe, Tham, and I are such purpose-driven people, we missed the Cheerdance presentation. We decided to just pig out at Mcdo while sending Chetts "SABAW" text messages. Jawe and I cried laughing at out own silliness. :)

After a while, we finally decided to enter SJC. I haven't been inside the school for almost a year, and many things were new to me; like the "Mcdo" seats at the canteen, and some other new stuff. sadly, though, their sportsfest wasn't as fun as the ones we've had during our HS era. We were so much more vociferous, crazy, and hyped up.

We met up with Philip (My Edward), Mej, Jazu, Tin, and Yu too. We bought this cute pink ball out of desperation because no one was willing to lend us real volleyballs. xDD We hung out at the College gym. It's funny cause no one actually remembered that it was Danielle Canto's debut yesterday. keke. We weren't able to attend.

We originally planned on meeting Chetts that afternoon at gateway but because I have the spare key for our home and my sister's probably going home early, I decided not to come with them anymore. Too bad. I wasn't able to be with BUG.

I miss Jho and Dani too. :(

Anyhoo, today marks the end of sembreak. 2nd sem will open tomorrow and I am pretty nervous. I don't think I'd be able to do well at my new subjects. Drat. Oh well, I'm crossing my fingers.

Mom and I will go out later. I need to buy supplies for school. I don't even remember where I last left my g-tech pen. T__T

And yeah, I also have to start fixing my sleeping habits. I can't believe I've been sleeping at an average of 10 hours a day this sembreak. NEED TO FIX BODY CLOCK.

I also DLed Glee's soundtrack. It's addictive! Really! Drat you CARISSA MARIE JOSE VALENZUELA for getting us addicted to this show!

Fangirl Blogger is back

2009-11-08T07:59:00.000-08:00

Yeazzir, I am back. :)
After a long hiatus from blogging, the avid blogger in me has finally resurrected! But I'm too tired right now, so I'll probably just type my fangirl rants tomorrow? Anyhoo, I'm glad my HS friends and I have bonded so well this sembreak. I've missed them so much especially since we're studying in different universities and our schedules do not really give us enough time to just bug out. Being with them these past few weeks(?) has made me realize how special they are in my life. (yaaak. emo much?) I don't know why but with them...it's just DIFFERENT--I'm more like myself, I guess? It's not that I don't love my college friends as much, I REALLY DO! I guess there's just this distinct special bond that forms when you've been through so much with these people for a long time already. Nothing to explain really; I just love my HS friends so much. :) Just sharing.

My bloggin skills are rusty. BLEH.

Actually, as I am typing this, my WAFs (WATTAFRIENDS; Chetts and I coined the term. LOL) and I are in the middle of a really massive plurking random fun. Too bad JAWE is not around. Chetts is having these UNCONSCIOUS INTRAPERSONAL CONVERSATIONS with her 3 BRAIN HEMISPHERES (yes, three...including the BACK hemisphere. lol.) AGAIN. And Jho's an Emo Pig. YU's pissing DANI off by hacking her account. And I am a clueless SLIG.

yawn.
Too tired. I've been helping dad with his presentations these days~ :)

And yeah, have I mentioned how I'm having MAJOR BIGBANG/2NE1/DARAGON WITHDRAWALS THESE DAYS!?! Gawd, I miss them. Thank God PAPAYG let Bom perform her amazing song at 인기가에! :)

I'll blog some more fangirl rants tomorrow. :) I'll be meeting Chetts at MCDO at 7am for breakfast, and then we'll wait for Jawe and Tham. We're all gonna watch SPORTSFEST09's opening!

Ciao!

Papers

2009-06-21T01:02:00.000-07:00

Another walking-on-fire feeling. I dunno why, but it always seems like I'm running out of time during school days. Burn out? not really. It's tiring, yes. But I can manage. It's just a curious thought on whether It would always be like this until I graduate. Why is everything moving so fast these days? Sometimes, when I finally manage to sit back and breathe, it's when things around me get going. I don't want to left behind. Why does it seem like I always lose the perspective when I run along with the crowd? I feel drained.

Anyhoo, I still love KHUN. O__O He's addictive. I want him as much as I want cookies right now.

YOU

2009-06-16T03:28:00.000-07:00

a long long way. but after all these years, I know that you're just another fragment of my memory. I got over you.

True, much?
check back tomorrow.
sy 09-10, HERE I COME.

Ten Ways to Annoy Your Parents

2009-06-16T03:26:00.000-07:00

1. Follow them around the house everywhere.

2. Mooooohhh when they say your name.

3. Run into walls. BANG!!!

4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.

5. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"

6. Wear a sticker that says, "I'm a retard"

7. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.

8. Do what they actually tell you.

9. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.

10. Try to swim in the floor.

That was hella funny! lol. I have no plans of trying any of the ten. My parents are already annoyed with me and my net addiction.

About Mistakes...

2009-06-16T03:24:00.000-07:00

"Okay yes, it’s a mistake. I know it’s a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it’s a mistake but you don’t really know it’s a mistake because the only way to really know it’s a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say, “yep, that was a mistake.” So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you’d go your whole life not really knowing if something is a a mistake or not. "

-Lily from 'How I Met Your Mother'

True, isn't it? I'm glad I made mistakes.

The Endless Charade

2009-06-16T03:23:00.000-07:00

Every morning, when the sun starts to rise from the horizon, I try to bury your face in the blinding light just so I could see clearly every step I've taken since you vanished. I put you away for safe keeping; for days when melancholy sips into the cracks of this facade. Everyday, little by little, I let you slip away just so I could grasp something more. And every night, I recover you from the ashes of the Earth just so I could put you under my pillow. You belong in my dreams where the fragmented illusions and the pieces of my reality come together.

There are just some people who are always left behind.

You never really said goodbye.

The Separation Anxiety

2009-06-16T03:22:00.001-07:00

a blog entry for the 'confused'. this is also for you chetters.

Still, I hear your voice
Still, I feel your touch
Still today, I lived in the traces of you.
Still, I see you
Still, I feel your warmth
Still today I lived in your time.

Even in the person passing by the street,
Even in the lonely dance of the leaves which ride the wind,
Even in the passing breeze of the night,
In everything I see, hear, and feel you are there.
Yes, but how are you? But how are you? Are you the same as me? How are you?

Even now, I feel you,
Even when I'm singing like this I can see you,
Even tomorrow I'll probably see you,
Even tomorrow I'll probably hear you,
Tomorrow will probably be exactly the same as today.

Even in the chair left in the street,
Even in the glass I unknowingly raised to drink,
Even in the mirror I faced to see myself,
Even in the music which gently fell on the streets you are there.
What do I do now? What do I do know? When you would eventually be gone.

And I'll let you go.

-NELL

Tonight I have finally realized how fickle love is. It's not something that comes and goes expectedly. Love is unfortuantely unpredictable--that is what retains its mystery, i guess. This is the exact reason why people get confused with it. Today, you like him; tomorrow, you might lose the feeling.

I don't believe that love hurts. Rather, it is LOVING that hurts. Especially when things get tangled up and complicated. Everything ends up awry. And then you realize how stupid your previous choices are because it's already TOO LATE. I've been hurting so many people all this time. And I don't think I've summed up that much courage to say what they really mean to me. Now the final decision is yet to be made. Sometimes doing the rigth thing also means hurting the people you care for in order to save something more precious--IF there is still something left to save after this. You have to finally separate yourself from the tangled web. Even though it would hurt you more than anythign else.

It's weird how most of the time I mess up things. Is this really how it's meant? But I figured tonight, after talking to chetters, that often the best solution is to LET GO and LEAVE THINGS BEHIND.

Retrace the steps. Erase your track record of wrongs. Remember how it was once so easy to be with the person.

Save what you haven't ruined.

Accept things as they come and stop wishing for something that isn't there.

What's it all worth?

2009-06-16T02:54:00.000-07:00

“...After all, heartbreak and break-ups are the hardest kind of work. So shouldn’t there be some sort of credit for enduring them? And if not, how do you retain a sense of value when you have nothing concrete to show for it? Because at the end, of yet, another failed relationship, when all you have are war wounds and self-doubt, you have to wonder : What's it all worth? “
- Carrie Bradshaw

THAT is the million dollar question. But really, tell me is all the pain worth it in the end? We do we bother risking for something we are uncertain of?

I often wonder if everything about this game is just a one-shot deal. If we lose, we lose. That's it. But seeing that I'm the only one feeling left out by how time flies, I guess the 'one-shot deal' theory is not relative. Or maybe I just have to finally accept the fact that my one chance is gone.

"Ichiego Ichie"
One moment, one chance

Once in our lives we are going to meet that one person who will make a difference in your life, who will etch that blinding light in your horizon. And, with enough luck and a few magical words here and there, you might get to keep that person. But when hands of the Gods decide to pay you otherwise, you might spend your life settling for the wrong one and wondering why true happiness is so elusive.

Not all people realize who that ONE PERSON is. And so, while the rest savor their blissfull ending, the rest of us continue on with the rat race--stumbling every now and then, blindly hoping for a chance that they, unknowingly, already lost a long time ago. And amidst the stumbling and falling and bruising and hurting, the essence of the word LOVE slowly vanishes.

So, what's it all worth?

When Scars Heal

2009-01-13T23:06:00.000-08:00

The phrase "too late" is probably both the hardest thing to say and saddest thing to hear. It so often reminds us of the things that we could have had if we didn't let go of the chance we had once let slip. It's the permanent tattoo that spells boldly the name of your first love and first heartbreak that would stay with you for the rest of your life. The pungent aroma of what-might-have-beens and what-could-have-beens.

More than rejection, GUILT and REGRET hurts even deeper. It leaves a mark which yields the story of how a once-unrequited and one-sided love would be gone forever when there is no more reason for that person to wait. It's the great irony of life--when you finally realize the importance of one person when they've already moved on. But there's no turning back. No more second chances. You just become another blurry memory.

Just random thoughts after finally having enough courage to throw away some stuff. Moving on with life is easier now. You can never really just keep yourself stuck in one circumstance.
My breathing's lighter. The sun seemed brighter. Life just made more sense, because my world already stopped revolving solely around YOU.

I want us back the way we used to be.

2008-11-08T02:55:00.000-08:00

Everythings on the right perspective now. But is it enough to undo all the tangles that we've made on our fading friendship? I'm weirded out these days! really. I'm not online that much anymore; I don't feel the need to turn the PC on during my vacant hours; I THINK I can live with using the PC for an hour or two every day; I don't use YM anymore. I think I'm seriously changing some of my really really distorted habits (e.g. 8 hours net sessions). It's unbelievably freaky. haha. This is getting old, I know. But I'm really really REALLY okay. I don't look at P.star the same way anymore. I never really moved on from taht first real love, I know.

But I managed to do something even better--I moved FORWARD. I guess it just came to the point when you'd realize that you can never really stay stuck on a situation that would probably never have closure. Yes, the feelings are always there. But life's too short to be anything but blissful. There's no point n weeping over something that happened already. You can't undo the past, but you can make the future better. :p It's a curious thing when, after you finally let go of that past love, you stumble upon an unexpected gift. I've realized now that everything we want won't always be available, but everything we NEED is there, just lurking around the corner; We're just too busy ogling at one central goal to even realize the beauty of the other things that surround us.

I've been a bit masochistic for a while, i know. I kept on wrapping my head around this illusion that HE'd be the one eventually. After a while, though, it's inevitable to lose the reason for holding on. It's useless, especially when you're both drifting away from each other.

CHANGE would always be constant, and I chose to go with it. But one thing I'm sure of: Love is still there. Although, now, it's a different kind of love--a healthier one; one that is more brotherly; a love that just wants him to have his happiness, nothing more. I'd been meaning to write about this for weeks, but I only had the time to do so now.

In the long run, I think that the thing that changed our friendship is the constant confusion on our feelings. It's weird. We always end up going a wee bit overboard. And then we'd just stop talking. CONFUSION and misunderstanding instigated this whole mess.

And right now, I just miss my SECOND-YEAR-SELF'S BEST GUY FRIEND.

All the things that complicated our once simple friendship didn't matter now. I'm one to blame for that. I'm sorry for all the crazy things. I just wish we could start over, be the indiscrete, insane, incompatible friends that we used to be.

I really don't know what is it with you that holds me in. But you're one person I can't bear to lose. I just want the friendship back. Nevermind all the tears, mistakes, letters, misinterpretations, and hurt.

I just want the RED CRAYON memories back. :)

I don't think I can proceed jumpng into another complication just yet. I'll give a shot at patience. I'd take the time to fix things first before anything else. SK8RBOI's gotta wait. :)

My heart's under re-contruction. :)

Whered You Go - Fort Minor Feat. Holly Brook & Jonah Matranga

Flu Shots & Epiphanies

2008-11-08T02:54:00.000-08:00

If there was something that I fear more than heights, It would be NEEDLES. And today, I was forced to face that fear AGAIN. My last vaccine shot was when I was still a toddler--i barely remeber the experience. The only thing I remembered was crying so much.

Anyhoo, my father came home last night with two flu vaccine injections. One for my mom, and one for me. My sister was still, apparently, too young for flu vaccines. lol. My poor amo sister was jealous. O.o i dunno why. There's really nothing to be jealous about me having to take flu vaccines.

Uggh. Needles..blood.. gross!

lol. At first, I tried hiding from my dad. I locked myself inside the bathroom. :)) pfft. :| It didn't work. I was still faced with the impending doom brought by flu vaccines. O.o

I shut my eyes tightly, and stuffed a hankie on my mouth just to stifle my screeching. lol. And then.. my dad told me it was OVER. It was unbelievably fast. :) I had to give it to my dad, he's obviously very good in giving shots. It wasn't so bad. I didn;t even feel a thing! :)

This experience gave me an epiphany.

Fear is sometimes a silly thing, don't you think? Sometimes we only fear things because we're afraid of pain, because of the uncertainty of the outcome. But afterwards, we realize eventually, after overcoming that fear, that we've been missing on something really great because of our cowardice. Fear sometimes stops us from living to the fullest. It's good to be precaucious, but not to the point that it already hinders us from doing more, living MORE.

My fear of needles seems to be a silly thing to me now. I've been fearing something that doesn't exactly harm me. I'm not less the person I was before I took that vaccine shot--I'm BETTER.

"COURAGE is not the absence of FEAR. Rather, it is the judgement thet something else is MORE IMPORTANT than FEAR." - Princess Diaries.

Very true. :)

The feeling of overcoming a fear is just overwhelming. It's makes breathing easier. Like your world is somewhat BIGGER now.

If we'll all let go of our fears, maybe we'll all get to grasp life better. :)

To the people who will always matter..

2008-11-08T02:53:00.002-08:00

It's amazing how at times we see ourselves looking back at the past, lingering on all the million memories which, amazingly, still perfectly fit in our hearts. It's like watching an old re-run of you life's tv series. The only difference is that you aren't exactly the same. Some of the faces on the screen, you still recognize. You remember them vividly now that you've found the time to look back. Friends, Best Friends, former lovers, former enemies -- The role they played once in your life seemed to be just another fragment of your recall now.

It didn't matter how much they've hurt you, or how much they've made you go crazy. When it comes down to it you only see the special moments that define their special place in your memory. And some of these people are still around, the ones whom you tightly held on to for they never let go. but then, as you held on to some, you also lost a few.

Few people who once became huge parts of your world, they took away too much part of you, ripping your heart, taking away that vital organ which keeps you going. Too much of a part that you had to let them slip away just to have enough left for yourself. People who you have to let go of in order for you to not lose everyone else, not lose yourself.

But then, you realize that it wasn't only your fault. Because as it takes two people to hold onto a binding string, it also takes two to cut it. They let you go too. The reason, you may never really get to know.

Now, they're gone. You feel that empty space in you. That utter loss. The scar that once opened up a part of yourself to them would always remain engraved on your skin no matter how hard you try to ignore it. The promises, the laughter, all the share of pain, you all wish them back. And sometimes, I wake up on days like these, just missing those times, missing that person. Wondering if it's even possible to have even just one second of refrainment. Missing them is harder, especially when you know that they might never come back. All you have is that once piece of memory. You memorize the picture in your mind. Hoping that it would be enough.

Regrets. Friendship. Love.
Cherish them once you've found them. For one day, you would look back on these things.
Even if you attempt to start over again, it would never be the same.

Switching Off Gravity

2008-11-08T02:53:00.001-08:00

Is it possible? to switch off something that keeps us falling, keeps us glued to the ground?

A ridiculous thought, i should say--expecting the permanent and inevitable pull of Earth's core to lose its power. But it makes me wonder how life would be different if GRAVITY never existed. We'd probably all be floating in space, without direction, and more importantly, without STABILITY.

Physics. I love the subject--to learn the ways of physical things, and the forces that make them as such. Anyway, my most favorite physics law is the LAW OF FALLING BODIES. It says that things, no matter which is heavier or which is lighter, will fall at the same time to the ground if they fall in a vacuum. They won't fall at the same time if AIR is present, and the object which is nearer to the source of the air will be the last one to fall.

Don't you think it's funny and strange how AIR, something we can't live without, something that keeps us alive, stalls or even stops us from falling where we want to fall, when we want to fall?

But then again, there's the LAW OF GRAVITY. Everything will eventually fall. Just give it time.

Well then if GRAVITY ceases to exist, HOW WOULD WE EVER FALL?

Metaphorically, i think i'm starting to lose my gravity.

Here's the bad thing about being asked to give advice...

2008-11-08T02:51:00.000-08:00

well, most people, although they would never actually admit this, come to you because they expect you to say exactly what they want to hear.

and when you don't, you end up being on the wrong side of the scale.

or worse, you end up being caught up and involved in the problem. which makes your "advice" definitely partisan in the eyes of those who disagree with you.

see, the thing is that the TRUTH can sometimes get you in trouble too. why do we even bother telling the truth in the first place? easy. cause it's too much of a burden to keep it to ourselves. and then sometimes, we tell the truth because it's the right thing to do, or because we owe people at least that much of explanation.

and on good days, telling the truth makes things better.

but still, if you have rotten luck, there are times when your advice, which you think is the truth, can fuck up things easily. great.

What if God was one of us?

2008-11-08T02:50:00.000-08:00

I'd tell him how much I pity him his job. imagine having to listen to all the prayers, answer the ones that ACTUALLY need immediate concern, make huge decisions that will define humanity a hundred years from now, forgive every stinkin' sin human beings make and make sense of what his creations are doing with their lives. and then, I'd thank him for doing all this despite the fact that he does not get anything out of this. the weird thing, i've come to realize, is that we don't exactly contemplate on these things anymore. we're all too busy knocking ourselves out trying to DO things, get things we think we want. no one stops to look back on their lives anymore. it's such a shame that most of us only get this part of life when it's already too late. For once, i want to be a human BEING, not a human DOING.

If God had a name, what would it be
And would you call it to His face
If you were faced with Him in all His glory
What would you ask if you had just one question
Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make His way home
If God had a face, what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like Heaven and in Jesus and the Saints
And all the Prophets and...
Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make His way home
Tryin' to make His way home
Back up to Heaven all alone
Nobody callin' on the phone
'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome
Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make His way home
Just tryin' to make his way home
Like a holy rolling stone
Back up to Heaven all alone
Just tryin' to make his way home
Nobody callin' on the phone
'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

by Joan Osbourne

One of Us - Joan Osbourne

In the face of true love you don't just give up..

2008-11-08T02:48:00.000-08:00

yep, since i am finding it hard to sleep tonight, i'll juts blog my heart out. :)

the title above, of course, is from my current tv series addiction, GOSSIP GIRL. :) It was quoted by Mother CHUCKer BASS. Obviously for the queen bee, Blair. :)

I love the couple. They're like HEATHCLIFF and CATHY from Wuthering Heights. Blair being Cathy, the selfish bratty woman, and Chuck being the evil and mysterious Heathcliff. If you think about it, they are both ghastly characters who don't do anything good with life. But then again, why do we find their tandem so amazing?

Just like how Bella stated in Eclipse, Heathcliff and Cathy only have one redeeming quality--it's their LOVE, the inevitablity of their attraction.

It's amazing to watch someone like Chuck Bass, womanizer and all, fall head over heels for someone so much like him. A taste of his own medicine, i suppose. :) but that's why we love them so much. They struggle so hard against their feelings, all to no avail.

Anyway, I used to believe in the title above.

but then, there will always be that one striking moment when you'll realize that enough is enough. I've done everything I can, yet I still failed. That's one thing I've come to realize: sometimes, no matter how much you will somethign to happen, if it's not meant to be, then it won't. no matter how hard you tried. no matter how much tears you've wasted. no matter how much effort you've shown. and you'll eventually have to accept it.

cause if you don't, you'll get stuck under one circumstance, unable to move on.

better things are still bound to happen, and I won't sit around and wait for something that won't ever come. unlike JUAN TAMAD, I won't wait for the apple to fall from the tree. I'm gonna go out there, let go of the past, and pick a MANGO.

cause apples are just so damn dense. :) lol.

wait.. i'm not exactly sure what fruit juan tamad was waiting to fall from the tree..

When Identity Blurs

2008-11-08T02:47:00.003-08:00

“She gave all of her friends the impression that she was the woman to be envied, and she expended most of her energy in trying to behave in accordance with the image she had created of herself.”

-Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

IT hasn’t occurred to me, until now, that I’ve projected two personalities during the course of my pathetic 16 years on Earth. Unconsciously, I have created this side of me which everyone seems to know me of—the cheerful, happy-go-lucky person. And then, there’s the inner side of me, the side which I’ve tried so hard to conceal all these years. I don’t know how I always seem to slip into this other world when I’m alone. They say that all of us are, in one way or another, insane. But then, it’s another thing to actually realize this insanity, and eventually question your existence. Am I living on the real world, or are these all just part of my phantasms? Are my friends real? Am I real? When you start to question your mind and purpose, confusion buds. One thing remains unanswered: what makes the things that define us real, then? If we are all living in our own worlds, then we all have our own definition of reality. What may seem true to you may not even be of importance to me.

What you see when you look at me may not really be me.

We see our reflection in the eyes of our real friends. Yet, now, even I have doubts on whether I truly know myself.

Where am I between the gullible and optimistic teenager who has golden dreams of becoming a lawyer, and the depressed and emotionally-damaged kid who cowers inside her darkness? I don’t know. I’m still on the verge of finding out.

Although the answers that I may find may either make me or break me.

Sometimes it’s better to live inside the persona that the people around you create. It’s a healthier place because you’ll never find yourself alone.

Would it be alright then if I ask you..

How do you see me? How do you think of me?

Why Long-Term Memory Sucks

2008-11-08T02:47:00.001-08:00

Have you ever experienced that road kill feeling in the morning when you open your eyes and the first thing you see is an old and dusty pile of scratch papers you thought you've already forgotten? To make things worse, you get up and get hit by head rush. You accidentally stumble upon a "magic box" that contains practically everything you ever possessed during your HS days. And then you see your junior class picture in which you see yourself smiling alongside a person you've tried so hard to keep off your mind.

Then you realize the stinging truth: all the things you've done to get over him all proved to be futile.

You wake up in the morning and the feeling comes creeping back once more. You thought you've done everything possible to move on and start over, then suddenly even the little things remind you of the past. The problem starts to invade your mind for the rest of the day; your mind kept wandering off as you are watching Wowowee, you forget where you last left your slippers, eye glasses, pen, PGC book, and you accidentally put your toothbrush inside the fridge. And then you feel the need to get it off your chest. You open your pc after trying to sleep it off in the afternoon and you resort to your last choice--blog about your tragic and pitiful love-less love life.

Oh, well.

IMPRINTING.

While I was willing myself to doze off this afternoon, I had one interesting thought. I picked up Stephenie Meyer's New Moon and Eclipse, and I started reading bookmarked pages. I came across the conversation of Bella and jacob about how Leah was supposed to be the one married to Sam, but then he met Emily, Leah's COUSIN, and IMPRINTED on her instead. You might want to grab a copy of the 2 wonderful books in order for you to understand this part of my nonsense blog for tonight.

Anyway, before the werewolf madness came to La Push, Sam and Leah were a couple near tying the knots. They were very deeply in love. But then, because of the return of the Cullen family (the vampires, werewolves mortal enemies), the werewolf line picked up once more and Sam became the first order, the Alpha. The tribe has one rule, "One must never let the secret out." Therefore, he wasn't able to tell Leah what's truly happening to him despite his love for her, and their relationship started faltering. Then one snowy day at the moutains, Sam, who was then morphed in his werewolf sate, came across a young woman named Emily, who happens to be Leah's cousin, and at the very moment he saw her, his universe came in order; Emily bacame his gravity. Sam inadvertently imprinted on her.

Well, IMPRINTING in layman's term is the wolves' version of LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, only stronger. Plus, imprinting changes the rules for you already have to tell the person you imprinted upon everything.

The thought of imprinting fascinated me so much. It's amazing how the impact it brings sweeps away even the strongest of love. In the case of Sam, no matter how he loved Leah so much, he forgot everything he felt for her upon imprinting on Emily.

The one I feel sad for most is Leah, because she doesn't stand a chance against what Sam feels for Emily now. All the things they've shared, all the great memories of them together, they all vanished from Sam after seeing Emily. And, being Emily's cousin, Leah had to face the pain every day of her life.

And well, maybe I feel sad for her cause I think I feel the same way. Like I never really had a choice. Like I already lost the fight before it even began. I was his best friend, and there has always been an unwritten rule that we should never fall for best buds.

Yes, imprinting can truly be a cruel thing.

But then, another thing occured to me.

What if imprinting is possible in real life?

What if I meet someone and imprint on him? Would it erase all the pain I've been feeling for my past love? Would I finally be able to forget him and move on? Would I finally wake up in the morning and realize that I am perfectly fine? that I'm perfectly okay with everything? Would I finally feel loved?

It's a blind hope, i guess. but as they say, Life is stranger than fiction.

It's funny how things work ironically in reality. Like you have to fight for everything you'll ever want in life. Every joy, every smile, every success, has a price.

Sometimes, I feel like I really want to have the choice on what memories my mind will retain. to have that power to choose what to remember. so that I can finally push aside all the worries, the pain, the insecurities.

But then again, I wouldn't be me.

I've always believed in the saying that "It's better to have loved and hurt, than to never have experienced love at all."

Every bit of pain and failure, every bit of happiness, every bit of hope and despair, they all fit like pieces of a puzzle, a puzzle which is me.

And then, sometimes, I wonder what's wrong with me. Am I not pretty enough for him? Am I some kind of a freak? Do I bore him with my nonsense blabber? Am I not thin enough? not smart enough? I know it's crazy for me to think that way, but then I can't help feeling that way whenever I remember.

See? that's the whole problem about having perfect recall. You remember evey stinking thing. And then you regret them as often as you think about them.

IMPRINTING.

Could someone imprint on me, please?

NOW?

--------

whew. that was a mouthful. that's all for tonight.
maybe tomorrow, when I wake up I would remember differently.
that's the good thing about the future.

It comes one day at a time.

I'm Not Sane, But I'm Normal

2008-11-08T02:44:00.000-08:00

In this seemingly endless search of meaning, would i ever find tranquility? I am restless and wandering. Why does life have to be a webbed tangle of mistakes, regrets, and used-to-bes? & why is happiness so elusive?

I need peace.
I need answers.

torn between how life is, and how THEY said it should be.

and as these thoughts pass through my dry mind, i can't help but wonder why I only have the urge to ask such questions when I'm already alone. When no one is actually listening. When no one is actually there to see me shed my true self--the lost little child in this huge world.

I don't know why it feels like I'm a different person when I'm with people. They always tell me that I come off strong--as if I'm always confident about my thoughts and words. Yet, I don't see myself as this. I am torn and damaged. decayed from inside out, and yet no one seems to see it. Am i just imagining the pain? or is everyone just too damn nonchalant for my taste? Maybe I'm just being too emotional. maybe. maybe not.

Or maybe I'm just tired of the way life seems to throw me off balance and push me to the center of this black room. I'm tired of being bullied by life. It always seems as though no matter what I do to change things, I still find myself incomplete. and the questions just keep on pilling up. all to no avail.

The hardest thing about being 'strong' is that no one ever bothers to even ask you if you're actually okay. Nobody ever bothers to reach out, scratch your skin and look through you. It's awful, having no one to confide to when you are already at the point breaking down.

and here I am in my continuous search for my purpose.

one day, i hope, i'll find the answers so that I may share them with the people who can emphasize with my quandary. Nobody wants to be alone in this survival challenge. yes, life has always been a struggling fight between contradicting ideas, principles, beliefs, and faith. These scramble of thoughts are enough to boggle your sanity. Perhaps, it will all boil down to how you define sanity after you realize your sense of being incomplete.

And then, you end up questioning your sanity too.

I type down these questions hoping that somehow the computer screen would present the answers to me.

Am I insane? probably. But I bet you are too.

In short, I am normal. and I have the right to question life and what it's done to me.

"People ask, How did you get in there? What they really want to know is if they are likely to end up in there as well. I can't answer the real question. All I can tell them is, It's easy.

And it is easy to slip into a parallel universe. There are so many of them: worlds of the insane, the criminal, the crippled, the dying, perhaps of the dead as well. These worlds exist alongside this world and resemble it, but are not in it."

Wasted

2008-11-08T02:43:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the unfair world where sinners are saved and angels are taken.

Here, I confess the guilt I have suffered these past few days. I am a conceited person who thinks life had already closed its doors on me, yet I never realized how wrong I was all along. My life is a worthless search, and SOMEBODY COULD'VE LIVED IT BETTER IF THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO STEP INTO MY SHOES.

Life is something most of us disregard. We spend half of it running after something we think we want, and we end up missing out on something better.

And while I lament over the dull little sufferings in my life, somebody holds onto it like a precious pearl--and that somebody ends up losing it instead.

Unfair.

The life that was taken away could've been mine. I could've died without causing much distress, without making so much loss. If I was the one instead, then maybe it'll be better. I could've finally seen the peace that I was looking for all along, and that someone could've lived her life longer and inspire others.

I am guilty for not being thankful of what I have.

and I finally woke up from a long slumber.

_+_

"The Wax Facade"

She was cheerful and optimistic, always ready with a genuine smile to please everyone--not a glint of pain in her delicate face.
Every morning she rose to greet life with warm embrace.
The thorn of every stinging blooded wound, she endured to seek escape.

In the depths of her unyielding eyes, you will come to see
the hidden burden of sadness, and faith that she longed to keep.
the hurt she supressed inside and the sorrow of stifled weeps.
Yet still, you see her, wearing a smile of deceit.

She walks along the crowded path
her faith was all that she had
yet still destiny turned her luck
in a disappointing yeasterday, she was stuck.

As the sun rises, the new day was born
She woke up and stand high and tall
Still, she was in deep pain from her untimely loss
A happy facade, she once again wore.

But as the night falls and everyone falls into sleep
the mask she wore made of wax and perfume
will slowly melt along with its happy endeavor.
and once again, she'll travel in the winding path
weeping and crying for the precious thing she lost

And as the lonely cricket cries,
She calls out to her elusive dream
She moves on the swaying frigid wind
to meet her creator once more.

--larrggghh.. No idea why I wrote this poem. I just feel sad.
But i dedicate this to a special person.

Cut A Little Deeper

2008-11-08T02:22:00.000-08:00

So deep I drown.

Blue.

I open my eyes and all I see is deep blue.

Ironic, I must say. I should be seeing red by now; a pool of red dripping slowly from this small opening, draining me and pulling me away from my sanity before I even make sense of what I was doing. I used to hear other people say that this remedy works best in numbing the body, and they’re right. It’s amazing. I can’t feel a thing, except for the throbbing of my vanishing pulse. This is better, I tell myself. This new pain that I have painted in my wrist almost overrules all the other aches. Great. This is my refuge. And all I see is blue. I stop breathing and give in.

Why am I here?

Why ME of all people should be doing this?

The answer: because I AM ME. And I can’t do anything about my fucking identity. Had I had a chance to be some one else, I would have taken it.

There’s always gonna be that one point in your life when enough is enough; when there’s nothing left; when no matter how hard you try to cover up that one nightmare, it always seems to run after you. I can’t go on. Everything’s lost. I am decayed.

There’s nothing left to do, anyway. What’s lost is lost. And we may never repair the bridge that connects us ever again.

“Parents damage their children…Sometimes they cause cracks that are beyond repair.” Hell yes, Mitch Albom! You got that one right.

They say mothers generally love unconditionally. Maybe. I may never know. Cause although mine is here, she never really knew me. Funny how my own mother doesn’t know even the simplest things about me: my favorite book, my comfort food, my fears, my dreams. And I never knew her—she never let me in.

The hardest thing is that I can’t take the way she sees me, like I’m an egotistic, good-for-nothing creature. I know I am not that, but you can’t blame me for hurting so much. And all these years I fought so hard, tried so hard to change her view of me. But I’m tired of living up to expectations that I can never reach, tired of pretending that it’s not choking me, tired to even try. I’m just tired.

And then there’s this one person who constantly lifts me, instigates me, loves me: my dad. He’s that one sole reason why I’m still here and why I still bother to put on that happy mask every day. I love him. He’s my life. He’s the last thread that connects me to reality. But I’m tired.

They say that the Catholic Church denies eternal peace to those who commit suicide. But could an ever-loving and all-merciful God turn his back on such tortured souls who just want out on this pointless life? I hope the ultimate tribunal could somehow make amends just a little. Cause not everyone is strong. And the whole world is a scary place.

I close my eyes and drift away. This is better.

Don't Mind Me

2008-11-08T01:23:00.000-08:00

This is my newest VANITY JOURNAL. Basically this blog is dedicated to my LOVE FOR RANDOMNESS.
I'm a VERY INTERESTING PERSON with a knack at SARCASM.
Read, but be warned--my posts have the ability to ruin your brain cells.

I am the daughter of Emmett and Rosalie.
I'm a VAMPIRE.
and I am good at wrapping my head with illusions.

Thank You.